I'm so sorry I haven't been around, summers taking over and that means I never have any alone time. My boyfriend and I went away for the week, I just got back about 10 mins ago. We just went to Peebles (40mins from edinburgh) cause my parents have a big caravan there and its just a lovely little place to get away from everything. So yeah, it worked absolute wonders. Completely rejuvinated our relationship. Things have been so strange lately and I just haven't been as crazy about him as I used to be. I mean, I still love him to death, but I just didnt seem to be interested in our relationship in a sexual way, does that sound weird? Well anyway, having that time away made such a difference. I wanted him all the time, every evening I was just like' rraaarrrrr!!' lol :) it was pretty amazing, but then, of all the times, my period came back. I missed last month and was pretty worried about it, so as annoying and badly timed as it was, it was a relief.
Eating wise, I've been trying to eat normally and just ease myself into an easier summer, without all the paranoia and obcession. It went alright, I was eating a meal every night with my boyfriend. However, after weighing, it seems I've gained 4lbs. 4LBS!!!!! If it had been maybe 1 or 2, I would have been fine and taken it on the chin, but 4lbs is extremely visable. I can see my legs wobbling when I walk about in my denim shorts n my uggs, I can feel my hips hanging over the edge of anything I wear and I can see my stomach threatening to creep higher further out that my tits. I hate it. The thing is, for a little while, I really believed in myself. I really felt I could get over this and do it alone, just slowly and easily. How wrong was I? On the way home in the car today, I just kept going over it in my head: 4lbs, thats 128, I havent been tht big in a while, 2 more pounds and I'm back in teh 130's, the fucking 130's!!!! I can't let it happen, after trying so fucking hard.
I guess this is never going to end huh? What a kick up the arse.
I braved the scales and weighed myself this morning; I've lost half a kilo and now weigh exactly 52 kilos. That's not too bad, given how much alcohol I've been drinking. Any loss is a good loss, I suppose.
I'm feeling extremely stressed. Things with my husband are still going badly.
I'm scared to start my new job. I work with my best friend and I'm going to miss her SO much when I leave. That's the only reason why I want to stay here - she's my constant support and it's so good to have access to her all day. I also feel nervous and anxious in new situations; I HATE meeting new people in a new environment. It's makes me feel so awkward. Are any of you the same and, if so, how do you overcome it?
I haven't been doing too badly; still trying to eat small healthy meals, but the FAT thoughts are still my demons. No matter what I try and do, they are constantly calling me fat, ugly and pointing out all the areas where I need to lose weight (trust me, there are HEAPS!).
Looking in the mirror is such torture I avoid it at all costs.
I still haven't weighed myself; I'm too scared...
Today I had a tub of no-fat yoghurt (breakfast) and three quarters of a cup of homemade vegetable soup that I made (lunch). Sure, not too bad, but then I caved and ate 3 maltesers. I feel awful and the fat voices are screaming at me :(
Things with my husband have done downhill again. Therefore, I'm still drinking wine every night just to escape; both from the overall unhappiness and the thoughts in my head.
I wish I could be normal. I'm so unhappy. I hate being fat.
WHY DID I EAT THOSE MALTESERS??? I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY.
I have not posted on this community for a while now (although i do read regulary), not sure if any of the old girls are here, or if any of you remember me but im back.
So i tried to eat healthy (800-1000 cals)... it worked for a few days. I tried to push the other side of me away and i ate. I didn't weigh myself, i was away from home and stayed with my boyfriend which made it easier. But it just didn't work... i noticed that when i am happy with life and everything is going good for me i tend not to be so compulsive and obsess so much, but then as soon as something horrible happens i slip back to my extreme ways. I gained a few pounds and it freaked me out, i feel repulsive so im back to eating zilch and feeling in control again.
Things in my life have come to a standstill. I found out some stuff about my boyfriend, all the doubts i ever had about him are true. Hes not the guy i thought he was which is crazy because ive been with him for 3/4 years. I guess you don't even know the people you love. He doesn't even know that I KNOW. I have been very off with him and i think hes realised something is up, all we do is argue 24/7.. i duno maybe its time to call it quits. Something crazy happened the other day though, i met my bf's very good friend, who i met years ago (before i got with my boyfriend) and i had a major thing for this guy.. im sure it was mutual.. you know when you just feel a connection with someone instantly?? I was definately something like that, anyways he bumped into us whilst we were watching England play (football) the other day in a bar, and woah talk about tension (i had not seen him in AGES). I think my boyfriend knew i liked him in the past 'cause he kept looking at me funny, didn't help that i'd gone bright red either. It was so mortifying, my boyfriend and the guy i had a major thing for in the same place... to top it off this guy stayed with us (bf and him were 'catching up') for a good few hours or something. I didn't even open my mouth incase i made a complete idiot of myself. When my boyfriend went to get us some drinks HE just sat there and didn't say a word to me... On the way home, my bf and that guy dropped me off at my bus stop, and when i said bye to HIM he just looked at me then half smiled, i didn't even get a goodbye!! It was very very weird. And now (its been 2 days since i saw him) all i have been thinking about is HIM!! Which is just insane because 1) I have a boyfriend for petes sake 2) HE is really gorgeous, can get ANY girl he wants so what would he see in me?!! 3) He is one of those guys who doesn't like to commit to a girl wheras i am like the poster girl for commitment 4) He goes to university in london which is a 5 hour drive away 5) He is VERY GOOD and old friends with my boyfriend!!! 6) I know that back in the days he had a reputation for having one girl after another- not sure what hes like now but still, guys like that never change do they? So frankly, i am very confused at the moment... also HE will be staying home for the summer, working so that means i will probably see him around more!
Anyways enough about my warped love life, im starting a new job next week, at least thats a change, at a leisure/health centre (so ironic). Im on summer holidays from University,, waiting for my results knowing that ive failed at least one module and will have to re-sit. I wish i could start over, i wish i'd moved away from home for University.... so many regrets.
I thought being on holidays would mean it would be easy to not eat, restrict without people catching on, and that i'd be able to work-out like crazy at the gym but no that is NOT the case. In fact its the opposite, i have my family on my back all the time AND i hardly have time to go to the gym because i can't plan my time well at all, it doesn't help that i never know what im doing the next day. I wish i had my daily routine of waking up, going university, going gym, going home and sleeping. It was soo much easier then, no-one would even notice my lack of food or my obsessive exercise regime.
So today i had a small bowl of high fibre bran (helps me "go") with skimmed milk and i had 2 cherry tomatoes just before. Im not actually hungry.. i have too many things on my mind to think about food. I was planning on going to the gym but its too late now as ive missed my bus so i will exercise at home for 2 hours.
I hope you are all OK, and sorry to go on about my life but thought id fill everyone in now that im back :-)
I'm home for the uni holidays break and you'd think I would be happy? Stuck at home with nothing to do for three weeks and only dial-up while my stick thin sister eats everything in site is not what I call happiness!! To top it all off, the only gym in my country town is closed for maintainance and I can't see my boyfriend for three weeks! I'm so down in the dumps, everyone keeps pressuring me to eat and while I'm home most days on my own I end up with a hige calorie intake just from dinner!! Any advice, I'm so depressed and generally feeling very sorry for myself. I just want to lose this weight, my food obsessions are getting me down......... Sorry for the rave, i just need to get it off my chest. Mwah.
It's like I feel so fat that I can't be comfortable in any position and I can't be seen by anyone... which is quite a big problem because that means I can't go to the gym and haven't in about a month (not that it was doing anything anyway).
I've been 140 pounds for... months. I was 110 in September, maybe even up until November. And then I just started gaining. So I started going to the gym and gained even more? About 20 pounds more on top of the ten I had gained already, so I know it wasn't muscle.
So lately I've been trying to not restrict much (which is rough, as I'm sure you all know) and eat the proper amount of servings as suggested by Canada's Food Guide. I did it before when I first went vegan and needed to see a nutritionist so I knew I was eating right (when I was eating right). When I started I was about 115 and dropped to 110 (which is hard when you get lower, but it wasn't when I ate that way), but I started eating meat (which I don't even like) and gained and gained. ...So I figured eating the right servings again would work... nope.
It's killing me. I really honestly feel like I can't live like this and I'm willing to do anything to be thin. But I'm afraid to fast because I don't want to ruin my metabolism so that if I do eat I gain more easily, and I can't exercise yet (I don't even have anything to wear to exercise that fits anymore). I don't know what to do.
Maybe I'll see a dietitian. Has anyone here been to one before?
I'm off from work and need to get going on my school work, but of course I don't want to so here I am.
On the plus side I'm back on track and am loving it!! I feel like I have complete control, like a weight has been lifted and I can finally breathe right again. Is it crazy to feel that way? Probably.
I'm going to go and buy a digital scale this week. I have a cheap, non-digital one but it doesn't read accurately. I always have to weigh myself at the gym but I haven't been there in a while and am dying to find out what I weigh! I'm so scared to know though. Seriously. However, I do feel like I've been losing.
My collarbone is sticking out more, my stomach feels slightly thinner (especially on the sides) and my thighs have definitely slimmed up a bit. I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that usually fit just right, but they fit loose yesterday. YAY! And they were straight from the wash/dryer. Double- YAY!
I should probably go and do some school work now. *sigh* I'm sooo sick of school. It's just too much to deal with right now.
Last night my dad wanted to celebrate my new job, so he took me to a pizza place that I love. Instead, I ordered a bowl of minestrone soup. We got bread rolls with it and what did I do? Fucking eat some bread and it was like once I started I couldn't stop...I ATE THREE SMALL DINNER ROLLS; ARGH!!!
I was so depressed I drank heaps of water then purged when I got home. Sorry for being gross, but there's NO WAY I got rid of all the bread - it's so hard to purge it. Made me feel so awful and fat.
I slept really badly last night with weird-ass dreams.
Everything just feels like it's too hard at the moment. Even the initial excitement of the new job had worn off a couple of hours after being told the news. I just want to curl up in a little ball in bed and never leave.
I haven't weighed myself in 2 weeks; I have my period and just can't deal with what I may weigh. I doesn't matter; it will never be low enough.
Good news: I just found out that I got the job that I wanted; it's about a 15k pay rise...YAY, YAY, YAY!!!
Bad news: My job will be full-on so I won't be able to watch the journal updates all day...GRRRR!!!
I think I'll have to buy a laptop for home. But then the dilemna of having to make sure my husband doesn't find out enters the picture.
Last night for dinner I ate a toasted sandwich (low fat ham, low fat cheese, no butter) and I had THE most overwhelming sense of guilt. It completely engulfed me and I fat like the biggest, fattest thing on earth. I used to eat two of the damn things, with full fat cheese and salami and didn't give a shit. God, how times have changed. In a way, I miss being able to eat what I want and feel okay about it. It was such an easier way to live...